I’m sitting here writing this wearing sweatpants, drinking coffee, sitting on my sofa surrounded by notebooks and magazines and half-read books. I’m sort of just being lazy, though, maybe reflecting a little, filling out my yearly planning thingies, but otherwise not up to very much. I’m savoring the quiet time between Christmas and New Year’s, taking the time to read and simply not do very much. It feels good, and necessary.
I like holidays, but this year felt particularly stressful, and my spirits felt a bit low. For a day, I felt a strange feeling, like my brain wasn’t quite right and I couldn’t enjoy all the love and generosity around me — that Sylvia Plath-y feeling of a glass existing between you and the world. It’s been a particularly dark, cold winter, and I’m sure that — plus the usual frenzy that holidays can turn into — had a lot to to do with that mental fugue.
But you know, it’s also cumulative. I haven’t had a proper vacation in ages, a real genuine break, and that really kind of fucks with me. By the time I get to these supposedly restful idylls of “time off,” they just feel gritty and mucked up and I spend most of the break clearing it out. I need spiritual exfoliation! Which usually involves me sleeping for 14 hours straight one day (glorious) or spending a whole day in bed after Christmas, watching episodes of “Girls” and any animated children’s fantasy in my DVD library. Lots of hot tub and sauna time at the gym helps, as does a therapeutic massage. So does making bread — my new culinary experiment — and reading the Keith Richards biography my sweetheart gave me for the holidays. And going for a ride on Saturday really brightened me up. But mostly, sleep and rest. I’ve been having particularly vivid dreams lately, and that’s a good sign.
I have some new things I’m up to, and I’ll tell you about them in due time. I have some changes to make, and I suppose I’ll make them in my poky Cancerian way. I have things to share. All in due time.
In the meanwhile, I hope you have a beautiful, safe, glorious New Year’s, whether you’re swanning about town or holed up inside or simply vegging on a sofa and waiting for 2013 to finally be done with. Wherever you are in the spectrum, lots of love and light to you.
Tags: depression, holidays, stress, vegging out, winter